Perspective

Lately, I have been trying to get some of it! Whenever I start to worry about becoming a third time mom something or someone seems to be placed in my path that makes me say "what am I so worried about!?" This week it has been a fellow pregnant mother at Calli's swim lessons. We got to talking today (isn't it funny how pregnant women can just start chatting each other up just because they are both pregnant?) and she mentioned she is pregnant with her EIGHTH baby. Eight kids. Wow. And I am scared of three? They have a fifteen passenger van to carry them around, which makes my new six seater, third row vehicle seem tiny. It's always fun to talk to other moms in the same situation as you, but it was funny how much we seemed to have in common! They had the name Callie all picked out for their little boy, who was a girl at the ultrasound (they ended up calling him Cal instead). She also told me how she ended up changing one of her childrens' names after they were born and it was so easy "...but that was in Guam". It's always fun to run into other people who have been stationed in Guam since it's not a very big club. She also lived in my birthplace, Santa Rosa, CA, for a short time, where her sister was born. Sometimes the world is so small!

Anyhow, after getting in my car following Calli's swim lesson I thought, if she can do eight, I can surely do three! I adjusted to two just fine and despite what everyone told me, I didn't think that it was harder than going from zero kids to one. That was definitely harder for me. Maybe it was the fact that I was so young and had no family there to help out, but the first one was HARD. With the second baby, you are already in KIDS MODE; your house is littered with toys, you've done the midnight feedings, the diaper changes, the bottles. You just know what to expect! Sure, the first month was trying, but when ISN'T having a newborn hard, whether it's your first or tenth!? Those first few weeks are difficult for anyone. At least this time around it is an experience that is fresh in our minds from just having been through it last year.

Serena is at this time in her life where she is really clingy. Her personality seems to be pretty shy in general, but at the age of one she is now trying to find herself and her independence. And I feel so guilty for having to cast her off a bit to care for a new baby. I feel like I have made her grow up too fast and won't be able to spend the time with her that I would like. I think in the long run having a sibling just a year difference from her will be beneficial for her, but when she is so young she isn't going to understand why my attention can't be so focused on her. When I think about this, my heart just hurts. I am sure all moms of two or more kids (especially MORE kids) must feel like their heart can't possibly go in all the directions that it is being pulled, so I know I am not alone. I just hope my children can know someday that I love them all just as much as the next and have always tried to be the best I can for each of them. I feel so blessed and lucky to be able to stay home with them, as hard as it may be at times. I am sure that Richard comes home some days wondering what I even did all day, but when the weekend comes and he spends his days with the kids he is exhausted when it is over. Kids just have the ability to wear you out (especially Calli!) and even if we don't leave the house all day I am still tired by the end of it. But I wouldn't miss this for anything in the world because if I did, I couldn't go back. I will never get these years of life back and I am trying to enjoy them. Calli is just about a year away from entering kindergarten and will start her own path in life in the school system. I want to make sure that I have given her a solid foundation to spread her wings from because there are no re-dos in life. We all get one chance. Parenting is hard, but it is worth it.

So I know without a doubt, we can do this. I look down at my huge belly and think how much easier it is to care for them when they are in there. But at the same time, I can't wait to meet this new little one. I can't wait to see the color of his eyes, the hair on his head (or not), the shape of his cheeks. I can't wait to count each of his fingers and toes and hold him for the first time. I can't wait for his sisters to meet him, to hold him, to love him. I can't wait to someday watch my children all playing together, fighting together, standing up for each other, disliking each other, loving each other. I can't wait to be able to take a trip to Disneyland someday, to make memories with each of my children separately and together. I can't wait to be a family of FIVE, to show Calli that there is one person in our family for each of the fingers on her hand. I can't wait.