I AM

I am running in a half marathon in April. I think maybe if I start saying "I am" instead of "I'm thinking about" I will have more of a chance of actually going through with it. I certainly think about it a lot. I have been going to the gym four to five times a week and mostly running on the treadmill. Two weeks ago I started out barely being able to run a mile. Seriously, I was pretty winded when I was done. So how the heck did I think I could run twelve more of those?? I stuck with running and now run three miles each time I'm there, walking and running another mile at the end. Sometimes I will even hop off the treadmill and do the elliptical for another fifteen minutes. I am hard core!!

I have also lost a great deal of weight since really focusing on the gym. I feel better than I have in years. That pesky ten pounds that I never could get rid of after being pregnant with Calli? GONE. My goal weight is now lower than what I started when I was pregnant with her. This feels great. I feel great. I bought a pair of size four jeans a few weeks ago. Yes, I am telling you what size pants I wear, but I don't care and you know why? I am proud of it!! I have worked really hard and it is paying off.

So two nights ago we went to the gym as a family. This hasn't been happening much lately. I take the kids mostly when Richard is at work and he usually goes one or two nights a week with them while I stay home. I didn't even want to run that night. I thought the treadmills would probably be full at that peak time and maybe I should just do some cross training instead. But lo and behold, there were many open treadmills and I remarked to Richard "I don't want to run!!!" But I did. I got on that treadmill and after two miles I was still feeling good. At three miles I was still feeling good so I decided to keep going. Wouldn't it be great if I could do 3.5? And, as I always say with the half miles, if I can do 3.5, I can surely do four. When I got up to four I was getting a little tired, but still felt I could keep going. How awesome would it be to say I ran 4.5 miles? At 4.5 miles I stopped briefly and walked, but it was the strangest thing; I recovered really fast and knew I could keep going so I immediately started running again to get up to five miles. Yes, I ran five miles (I am still kicking myself for having walked that thirty seconds). I was extremely proud of myself. And you know what? Afterwards, I wasn't even that tired. It was the first time I have thought "you know, I might be able to do this half marathon". Maybe, just maybe I can run those 13.1 miles. I am not trying to be the fastest by any means, I just want to finish it. And I want to finish it without walking.

Why do I want to do this? Why the heck do I want to run a half marathon when I don't even LIKE to run? I never have liked it. Even when I played soccer, I despised the running part, but I did it because the game was about so much more than running. So what in the heck possesses me to take on the challenge of running for about two or three hours straight?

For the last five years my life has been consumed by being a mother. Since I very first found out I was pregnant with Calli, I had to give up certain things and make sacrifices. And as the kids are born, that never changes and I find myself giving up more and more. I have three kids. I have been pregnant or had a newborn for the last two years in a row. I am up to my ears in poopy diapers, formula, cheerios, pacifiers, carseats, baby shampoo and drool. This can make a mother feel very overwhelmed, tired, and all consumed by kids and kids only. There is no time for me and for what I want. I accept that it will be like this for the next twenty or so years and I'm fine giving up a huge part of myself to make my children happy. A huge part of my happiness is wrapped up in theirs. But a mother should never lose sight of herself or who she is and I feel I have done that over the last few years. And while I believe that staying at home is the best thing I can do for my kids at this young age, I don't have that fulfillment from a job or a career that could make me feel useful outside the home. I have my husband and my kids; my wonderful family that I wouldn't trade for the world. But I want a little bit more now. I want to do something that is for me and no one else. I want to prove to myself that I can be something other than a wife and a mom, I can do something besides clean up messes and wipe dirty faces and bottoms, I can make myself proud. It's not about anyone else. It's not about getting others' approval or even having them be proud of me. It's about being proud of myself. This is such a small thing really and in the grand scheme of things does it really matter that I run this half marathon? Maybe not for anyone else. It's not something that will go on my job resume. It's not something I'll be written up in the paper for. It's not something that will even be talked about much after it's done. But it will be done. I will accomplish something that I set my mind to. I have set a goal and I will reach it. I will make myself proud.